theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
