why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
