i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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