Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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