I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
