headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
