it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
