apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
