You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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