You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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