I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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