totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
