i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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