We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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