I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
