The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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