Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
