My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Randomize
