I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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