Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
