I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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