Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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