I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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