I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
