i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
