i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
