my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
