You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
