Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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