I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
