and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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