If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
