it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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