Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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