dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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