I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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