i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
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