Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
