Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
