Christians are straight up FREAKS
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
