Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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