Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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