Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
