I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
