Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
