Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
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She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
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I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
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Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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