please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
