Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
