Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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