where am i from again
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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