hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize