She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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