im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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