I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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