yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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